8th March: Accuses me of trying to make him feel bad for a £500 phone bill I generated calling only his number, mainly for arguments the previous month.
12 March: He steals my Facebook password and uses it to check my messages for signs of me cheating. We break up and he subsequently turns up at my house with him mum trying to pressurise me into taking him back.
13th: Goes on a night out down the gay village Canal St hours after the breakup. I get scared and threatening phone calls off him. I calm him down and agree to give him another chance, stay on the phone with him until he gets to his friends house. Within hours I am getting txts like nothing at all happened.
19th: He comes at me with "don't turn this into an argument" after kicking off with me when I refuse to apply for a job that i felt uncomphtoble with saying "I don't know who the fuck you think you are, you must think your fucking special" I say i wont talk to him for the rest of the night. to which he replies with "Im ending this Jonathon" and further "Smell my pillowcase and accept my apology" He then threatens to turn up at my house with his mum again forcing me to accept his apology.
20th: Hours after meeting my mum for the first time he accuses me of wanting to break up with him.
24th: On the first nice day in months my mum finishes work and I agree to go sit in the beer garden. He kicks off because I went to the pub with my dad the day before and wanted my help with an essay. He breaks up with me.
25th: He tells me intimate personal details about somebody he has slept with in the past. The guy is apparently sexually superior to me and it is said with a seriously upsetting positivity. He also tells me that he has kept a photo that the guy (nick) sent him. After I get upset he drags me around manchester screaming at me and shoving me about to stop me walking away from him. I agree to walk him to where he is getting picked up. He cries and pleads me to come to his, hugging me and not letting go whilst I am stood in front of him mum. This is the first time I ever meet her. He gives me guilt about not being able to afford to see me again before his holiday. And subsequently borrows money off his mum to go on a night out down canal st. I get persistent crying phone calls for the rest of the night.
We argue into the next day where he gets extremely aggressive and breaks up with me again. And again threatens to turn up at my house. He then goes on to ask if he is still coming to mine the next day because he is going on holiday the day after. All of a sudden he is "fully gutted he has upset me"
12th April: After he comes back off holiday i ask him to delete the photos of Nick (the guy from his past who's penis he has kept a photo of) off his phone. And with it, the collection of photos he keeps on his phone of all his ex boyfriends. This includes shots of him in bed with them. I find out that he had lied to me about having the photo of nick on his computer. He said it to try and"impress me" He hangs up on me once i get annoyed that he has talked to nick about the situation.
13th April. We argue in a hotel room over something stupid. He locks me inside the hotel room and stands blocking the door. Out of sheer exasperation over this and recent events I put my first through the wall.
14th: I get upset again over the possibility that he still has feelings for nick. He breaks up with me. I am then the one that has broke his heart. He has too much respect for himself to run after me again and he has done nothing wrong. I seriously loose my temper and go on a rant about how unsettling it is that i know intimate personal details about a guy i have never met. I make sure he knows not only what he has done to me. But how badly he has disrespected Nick. His reaction is to turn up at my house. again. I get txts that include him telling me to "just fucking get over it" I just 'fucking get over it'. And we move on.
15th: The next day the situation kicks off again. This time because arguing with Dan relentlessly for the past 4 days has caused me to miss a record label deadline. I am then informed that dan had never done anything wrong, that the entire situation was caused out of my own insecurities. He then breaks up with me again.
The following is the single lowest moment of my life. Nobody ever has and never will hurt me like this again. Typing this out is as difficult as it ever was. I feel sick writing it.
16th again: The next morning he threatens to turn up at my house again. I tell my first and only lie of the relationship. I tell him i am going into town with my dad. So it is pointless him turning up. Dan reacts by leading me to believe there is a possibility that something might have happened with nick during mine and his relationship. I hang up the phone. I get text messages saying that he is going to get in touch with my mum. And that he "doesn't enjoy this, but you don't see anything you have done wrong. You are not apologetic in any way." I then receive a phone call.
Dan informs me while he is on his way to mine that during the entire course of our relationship. That he has cheated on my 3 times with nick. He gives me examples of the times he had lied to me and tells me that he has been having full sex with nick. Something that previously he has maintained is something exclusively to me and him.
I have never been a part of anything so needlessly cruel. My heart was broken, I hung up, I could not focus my eyes on anything. I felt like i was shutting down. When I can focus on my phone 15 mins later i call him back, begging his to tell me that it was a lie. Begrudgingly he tells me it was. When I ask for a reason why. He tells me something that puts what he has done in the most irrational and cruel context imaginable.
It was because i lied to him about going into town with my dad.
Although in the future things progressed to a more calculated and physical level. This was single biggest act of control and emotional abuse in our relationship. Over the next few weeks I gradually start to believe his promises of change. That he understands what he has done and he knows how to handle it in the future. We stupidly get back together.
19 Apr. I get a phone call that wakes me up. Dan wants to know why I stayed up the night before, i told him i was doing work. he asks if I had a wank that night. I say yes. And he breaks up with me.
21st April: Dan breaks up with me AGAIN. This time because of accusations that i don't care what does on in his personal life. I don't ask about his college or "anything else" At no point does he mention or make a connection to my distance over his personal life due to any recent events. I get further shit for being a "liar" (one again justifying actions due to that one lie I told him) I send him photographic evidence of why I cant answer the phone. I then get a text saying "happy 3 month anniversary"
22nd April: I cant have a deep conversation about us when dan wants one because i am stood next to my dad. I get a text saying "i'm sick of having a relationship with you and your dad" He breaks up with me AGAIN and threatens to delete me off Facebook. He tells me he wants nothing more to do with me and that i seem to think i can do better than him. This is hours after a phone call where is tells me he is getting a bit 'teary' over thinking about how cruel he can be to me.
23rd April. The day after we argue again, this time because he tells me that if he where to have a child with down syndrome he would just abort it. This offends me due to a similar situation inside my family recently. he says sorry. Tells me that I wont hear him breaking up with me ever again. He then breaks up with me.
24th April: Dan gets me out of bed to have me stay up most of the night writing an essay for him. I do it but im not too happy about it, it causes an argument. Dan gets his back up when I give him evidence of his selfish behaviour. He threatens to block my number and breaks up with me AGAIN! I go to bed. During the night i get texts threatening to get int ouch with my mum, he threatens to turn up at my house again. he becomes apologetic. He tells me that he knows how many times he has let me down. He still turns up at my house. We make up.
I get a string of texts promising me change. "yeah i have to make this work now, you mean so much to me Just wanna make you feel loved"
25th April. The next day i receive word that my parents plan on breaking up. My house is intolerable. I have to make plans to go stay somewhere. Dan kicks off because i made plans with my best mate not him. This may be because i have never once been knowingly allowed inside his house. Dan breaks up with me. and immediately takes it back. I go to the pub with my dad to talk about my parents and also my relationship with dan. For the next 3 hours i get battered by texts from total aggression to guilt, control and apology. I am sat opposite my dad introducing him to the concept of my having a boyfriend whilst texting my boyfriend while he is kicking off at me for being with my dad.
26th The situation continues. Dan breaks up with me again. I am successfully guilted out of seeing my friends and I stay at home. All of a sudden i get accused of smoking weed out of the blue. Dan breaks up with me again. I then get a text "Look, all of our bullshit has to stop, you are going through so much stuff right now. this is my time to be there for you and look after you, just give me the opportunity. you are always my baby, i love you so much" Later that day my dad looses his job and my brother gets taken into hospital for the first time. Dan breaks up with me and goes out on Canal St.
1st May: I become upset about my situation. My dad wont talk to me because of my relationship, he is also loosing his job, my parents are splitting up, my mum plans to move to blackpool, my brother is in hospital, i have no job, i am awaiting serious dental work, i hate living at home, i miss my friends, I am totally penniless and have a pending record label deadline. Dan insinuates i am using my brothers illness as an excuse, that i have no intrest in his 'problems'. he buys a gameboy iphone case and breaks up with me.
2nd May: We argue about it again the next day. I get the following text "You're fucking dead to me. Piss off" He makes plans to turn up at my house.
3rd May: The next day i get an accusation that i have been lying about my sexual past. Once again his relationship with nick becomes an issue.
7th May: I put on an england football top. This is out of character. I must be keeping something from dan. Who am i trying to impress. Dan breaks up with me.
11th May: At the end of a weekend with dan i get a phone call of my bast mate, they all miss me and haven't seen me in months. I get upset. This must mean I fancy my best mate. Dan breaks up with me.
12th: I start to advise dan on his controlling behaviour, I realise this is an ilness. I break up with dan and after a series of threats of suicide and conversations with his mum we reach an agreement that we are to split. However i will stay in contact and support him through counselling. Dan then makes plans to go to Nicks birthday party. My brothers condition worsens. So i finally and completely break it off with dan. We meet to exchange belongings and walk away. I send his mum a series of text apologising for the stress. I send dan 2 emotional and supportive emails. He still decides to go out. But on Canal st again. He promises even tho we have split he will stay faithful.
In this section dan reached is 2nd record low.
He goes on twitter and sparks up conversation with an ex boyfriend who is known for having sex in gay saunas, who finished dan because of dans control issues and because he wanted to sleep with other people. Dan offers to meet up with him that night on canal st over twitter. I get texts insinuating that he has cheated on me in the past. Then i get further texts saying outright that he has. Then texts saying that I deserved it. Then texts saying he was coming to mine the day after, then texts saying he was ringing my mum, then text saying he cheated on me with nick, that nick wants to get back with him, that him and nick have had full sex, that they laugh at me. He accuses me of cheating on him, that he has been told I have, that he was on his way to my mate's house, that he was actually in nottingham with nick, that he would put private videos of me on xtube, that he was planning a relationship with a guy called jonathan, that jonathan was there, that he was going to jonathan's later
and after all of that. I get a frantic phonecall. He is stranded in town, his mates have dumped him, so i help him find his friends.
13th April: The next day i tell dan that i plan on getting tested and that all the trust i ever had in him has gone. Dan says it has hurt him that I could possibly think he could have gave me something.
Dan. Breaks. Up. With. Me.
Dan then texts me with threats of suicide, said he is scared of what he might do to get my attention. He is rushing himself to the hospital. He cant go on any more, its too difficult for him. he NEEDS me. He begs me to get in touch with his mum so i do. He insinuates that the email he is sending me is actually a suicide note. He says goodbye to me.
Next thing he is checking himself into a mental ward. He hates me for falling out of love with him, he is totally heartbroken. His mum is rushing him to a mental ward. I speak to his mum on the phone and walk away.
I then get sent pictures of the two of us together. "Something to remind you of the nice times"
I walk away from him.
14th April. I start to get texts asking how my brother is. We start talking and i end up supporting him with going to the doctors. He starts to beg me for a phone calls. All of a sudden i am really special to him. He is watching my favourite film and needs cuddles. He has started having nightmares.
A week passes and he is patient while constantly chipping away at the distance i have put between us. That has been agreed upon my him, me, his family and the doctors. Before i have change to think we are back together again. We set up a codeword that when mentioned he has to walk away from me. stop the bullying, harassment, phone calls, messages on all social networks, text to my mum, emails to me, turning up at my house and all the other aspects of his controlling, abusing behaviour.
16th April. We argue again. I get all the phone calls, all the guilt and all the threats, i say the code word, it gets ignored. He threatens to actually break up with me again. Apparently the way we have agreed i would help him ha become the way i believe he needs help. He tells me the way i want to do it is not going to work. I need to start believing and trusting him or it wont last. Im am stopping us from starting fresh, he is glad i am there for him, but if i am going to make him feel bad about the past i might as well not bother. We agree to forget the past and start fresh.
By this point i am beyond exhausted, i have nothing left in me to give to dan. I explain that i don't have another argument in me. That i am scared of him fucking up because i wont be able to cope. This is the reply i get "Well its up to you, Ill Stop being so needy, Im Sorry. x" followed 4 minutes later by "Ohh and Happy anniversary. Goodnight" It was apparently our '5 month anniversary' I explained that that doesn't exist. He accuses me of going to extremes. Dan breaks up with me. 40 mins later I get a text saying "I Love You x"
18th 2 days later I get a text. Dan wants to know who this guy is on twitter i have been retreating. I explain that i don't know who he is. that he is from america and that he is a fan of my music. Dan takes a screenshot. He just doesn't like it. Below my retweet on the screenshot is 2 instances of dan re tweeting and talking to that guy Jonathan that he tried to convince me he was leaving me for. Dan has just been down Canal St.
19th I cant take any more paranoia about what dan gets up to on his nights out down canal street. So i offer to come along on the next one. During the night we get along well, A guy in there comes onto me me outside, i text dan asking for him to come out. I am honest with him and he is touched by it.
27th 8 days pass without a hiccup. this is the longest period of peace since the start of the relationship. However following a visit to his and important developments at my house dan has started distancing himself from me. He has stopped ringing me. I find myself chasing him for conversation and effecting, i am suddenly the one getting shouted it for being needy. When we are together he has started ignoring me i become seriously paranoid.
29th. Dan wakes me up in the morning and accuses me of masturbating the night before, as it turned out i had, but to a picture of him. Dan breaks up with me and plans to go out on canal st. however once again he once again threatens to come around to my house. I accuse him of getting aggressive. he says it my own fault and i am making him like this. \he threatens to steal him mums car. He turns up at my house with his mum, he walks in and just comes upstairs. I am in total hysterics, i forgive him.
5th June: We argue again. He breaks up with me again. He goes out on Canal st again. Today will be the first day in nearly 6 months that we haven't talked on the phone. He has forgotten about that. It is half 11, i text him and he goes outside to ring me. I tell him that my brother has been given a month to live. and that i plan on moving to liverpool. that i am coming to see him tomorrow to finish this to spend my last time with my brother in peace. I get battered by effecting on the phone, he goes back inside the club and i am left wondering why i can never walk away.
After a few days on a standard ward, my brother is now hours away from death. he is moves into intensive care. He has cancer, he also has liver failure, kidney failure, extreme water retention, a water infection, a blood infection, a hiatus hernia and suspected pneumonia. He is forced into a coma to help his body regenerate, i am forced to say a final goodbye to my brother.
Dan is feeling needy.
He feels pushed away. Because the in the previous night after 2 hours sleep in 2 days and nothing to eat in 3, days of being surrounded by crying relatives, crying myself and getting prepared for my brother to die. I would prefer after an hour long conversation with dan to just go to sleep before I am on my 2 hour long drive back to intensive care first thing in the morning. But this is making dan feel unappreciated. I put the phone down without saying i love you. not out of spite or anything hurtful but because my head was simply not able to function. And it is because of me doing this that dan decides to attack me with guilt the following morning resulting in him deciding to end out relationship while i am stuck in 4 hour long traffic, sat next to my dad on the way to intensive care and already missing visiting hours to say possibly my last ever goodbye to my big brother.
I have never in my life felt lower.
he then proceeds to inform me of a secret and un diagnosed illness of his that i am to drop everything and support him for. I have my last row with dan stood outside of the intensive care ward, stood next to a family including 2 very young children who have just seconds ago lost their mum. I am 20 mins late to see stuart.